Bertandrussell

House for Sale

2010-05-14T03:56:00.000-07:00

HOUSE FOR SALE!

Detached.
All Mod Cons.
Cable tv thrown in.
No chain
No time wasters.

Contact : N.Clegg

2010-05-14T00:54:00.001-07:00

Letter From the Dorm ( No.4)

Mater,

It's been Fresher's Week! I don't quite know what this means ...but we were all asked to join 'Societies'. I really don't know what to do, so I thought I'd write.

'Just-William-Tyke' Hague has started something called the 'There's No Such Thing' Society.

'Meerkat' Gove has 'His Tory Society'.

The new boy Nickleby Clegg (David's Fag) has 'Hi Society'

Terry May has 'GBLT NOT IN MY B&B Society' - which no-one understands!

Liar Fox and Jeremy Hunt have started a 'Hunting Society' - which is also rather odd!

Little George O has the 'Tuck Shop Society'- but is refusing to come out of the cupboard.

Vintage Cable has 'The Wire' Society - which I really don't understand at all.

Cris Hune has 'The drop the haitch Society' - which only seems to meet outside school?

Poor old 'Andy Pandy Lansley' has the '5-a-day Society' - I think that's something to do with the new boys from the other School - the ones that have recently joined us.

Finally, David has his 'Big Society' - with only Porky Clarke and Chutney Pickles joining ( because Little George won't let them in the Tuck Shop Society)

Oh Mater..who shall I join?

Remember me to Pater

Bertrand

2010-05-13T01:41:00.001-07:00

Letter From the Dorm (Episode 3)

Mater,

Crikey oh crikey...David has failed his 'Blackberry A level' exam! Rotters made us take this new-fangled thingy and now look what has happened.

Q. 1 - Text from David to Michael 'Meerkat' Gove: 'Yo M..go Dept. 4 Educashun' .

And now we have The Department FOR Education! What next, a Department For Immigration? The whole thing is a mess.

Q. 2 - Text by David to Fabio Capello: 'Terry May be OK for Home game'.

And now we have Theresa May in the Home Office.

Q.3. Text by David to Ozzie Osborne : ' Send your boy around at 11' .

And It went to the other Osborne. Little George has now locked himself in the Tuck Shop at No. 11.

I shan't bore you with the rest....but you can see why David's now in revision class with Nick (yes.... he sent for the Liberal !!!! instead of Robinson the BBC chappie!!!)

Remember me to Pater.

Bertrand

2010-05-08T06:20:00.001-07:00

I really think the BBC - Better Back Cameron? or Bugger Brown's Campaign? - is worthy of closer inspection. And I hope some Media Research Group will soon be able to tell us if the coverage has really been as 'balanced' as it purports.

I am usually a staunch supporter of the BBC and have generally given it the benefit of the doubt. Appearing to be 'impartial' and 'balanced' has always been an aspiration rather than achievement when it comes to the BBC's political coverage. However, in this election there appears to be an end-of-term atmosphere about the place.

Paxman as 'Flashman' certainly lived up to the bill. His bullying and sneering tone towards the Labour and LD was perhaps only to be expected. His cowardly, bed-wetting side shone through whenever he addressed the top Tories - who he obviously remains somewhat in awe of.

As for poor old 'Nick, Nick' Robinson, his Tory background simply refused to stay in his raincoat. Putting him in a studio with what appeared to be a direct line to Central Office, his smirk widened in direct proportion to Tory seats.

Dear Old David Dimbleby....or Dodderer! A relic of the BBC's past, he tried to play the Grand Dame - 'Aunty' - but appeared to be all at sea in this Tory bunker. Surrounded by David Cameron's tutor from Oxford and Jeremy I'll-do-anything- to-get on TV Vine, the CG meister, Emily 'bit-of-skirt' Maitland, and various other distractions, the whole coverage descended into an advert for privatising the Corporation. To top it all, Andrew Neil managed to spend £50K of the licence fee income on a Boat Party on the Thames!

I don't think it will have upset the Tories...which I suppose was the purpose of the night's coverage.

Russell

2010-05-03T08:22:00.001-07:00

Desperately seeking George Osborne ...the Lib-Lab election clincher...?

Please can someone help us find George O?

Where's George?

REWARD : Cameron's face on Friday. Gove the 'Meerkat's' on Saturday....and Gray ..not-in a B&B ..ling ..on Sunday....and all the other Tories for weeks to come!

2010-05-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

Michael 'Meerkat' Gove - CompareFeeSchools.com and CompareFreeSchools .com ?

Bert and Russell Meet Clegg

2010-04-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

RUSSELL: He's here...

BERT: Who is?

RUSSELL: Him..you know..the one in the middle...

BERT: Oh ..him.

RUSSELL: Cleggie...Norman or Nick...Clegg. Doesn't look like a bit like he does on the telly.

BERT: What'd'ya mean?

RUSSELL: He's not as good-looking as they say.

BERT: As they say?

RUSSELL: He's got a shiny suit...

BERT: And a Spanish missus

RUSSELL: And he smokes.

BERT: And three kiddies...

RUSSELL: Where's he gone?

BERT: Who?

Bert and Russell Meet 'Dave' Cameron

2010-04-30T08:24:00.000-07:00

BERT: You won't believe what just happened Russ...this bloke, named 'Dave' ...a complete stranger...just asked me for my vote!

RUSSELL: You're vote Bert! What's his game then?

BERT: Dunnow...I thought it was joke. I'd just popped out to Greggs to get me sausage rolls!

RUSSELL: And what did he say?

BERT: He says he 'wants my vote'...just like that...but only posher.

RUSSELL: Posher?

BERT: Yeah..sorta... Southern-like

RUSSELL: What'dya say then?

BERT: I says...you can't have it. I'd left it at home...on the mantle-piece.

RUSSELL: What did he say?

BERT: What's the Big Issue around here?

RUSSELL: oh my gawd..I bet that kicked you off...?

BERT: I says 'Big Issue'? It's the bloody rag they make you buy outside Somerfields.

RUSSELL: What did he say then?

BERT: Nothing...sod all. He hadn't a clue how bad it is around here. So I tell him. I tell him all about the middle-classes flocking into out schools and hospitals. I told him that the place has gone really uphill since they started doing up all the houses.

RUSSELL: And what did he say?

BERT: He just pointed to this funny looking fella next him. A bloke who looked like the bleeding Meerkat on the telly.

RUSSELL: Compare the bloodyMeerkat dot com? Drives me mad that does..

BERT: Anyway, posh 'Dave' says meet my shadow something-or-other...Gover.I thought he was pointing to his dog or something. Bloody poodle Gover comes over and starts licking Dave's arse...

RUSSELL: Nah..you're having me on?

BERT: No...straight-up... Gover does a bloody Meerkat impression and starts talking about 'Fee' schools or something. Compare-the-bloody-market in schools dot com. I thought.

RUSSELL: What did posh Dave say?

BERT: Something like 'Eat on'...which I though was daft as I had already had the sausage roll! he just kept saying it 'eat on' this and 'eat on' that. I hadn't a bloody clue what he was on about! Then the bloody Meerkat ...Gover or whatever his name was...takes hold of 'Dave' and like a bloody guide dog herds him into the limo.

RUSSELL: So that's why Sky's here? I thought you were getting HD?

BERT: Yeah..No....they just turned up and said 'Dave' had been saying things about me..when he got in the car.

RUSSELL: Saying things about yer? Such as?

BERT: How it had been a good meeting me and he said I was a 'big hit'.

RUSSELL: 'Big Hit' eh?

BERT: That's what the guy from the Sun said as well...

RUSSELL: Blimey...you're famous now then.